Dec 2005 #4

(Right Click here to download Audio - MP3)

Jump to January, February, March, April, May, June, July-August, September-October, November-December

Welcome to the News of the Year, an independent production bringing you all the news you didn’t see, read or hear about in 2005.

I’m Shane Elson and I’ll be your host for the next while or so. Please do sit back, relax and open your mind to the possibility that the War on Terror, the Bali Nine, Hurricane Katrina and Cornelia Rau didn’t really happen at all. All that and more coming up right now in The News of the Year. 

We open the archives way back in January when the whole of Australia was doing its bit to fix up the devastation caused by the tsunami in the Indian Ocean. While our minds were fixed on the benefit concerts, the outpouring of public sympathy and the hubris of politicians, a little known group of TV critics were staying up all night watching Celebrity Big Brother to see if Germaine Greer would fulfil her promise to shower naked with Gareth Evans. 

When the producers refused to grant her wish, she threw a little hissy fit and demanded that all women on the show be allowed equal opportunity time to show just how low brow they were prepared to go in order to raise their flagging profiles. Greer’s publicist said that once she found out Big Brother was not going to allow Evans to have his way with her, she would, forthwith, resign from the show. In a short press release, Greer said the show was tacky, silly and the people appearing on it, very silly. She then fell back into obscurity. 

Speaking of which, at about the same time a prominent Labor politician, Mark Latham (who was rumoured in January to have been the Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition), was being as obscure as he could be by holing up in a luxury resort with his family while all and sundry wondered if Kevin Rudd would take over the front benches and teach us all how to speak as if we were sucking on someone’s arse. 

Latham was rumoured to have been spied buying fish and chips from the Terrigal Fish and Chippery in what commentators assumed (as it turned out correctly) that he was adjusting his palate to a new way of life. 

Also rumoured to have been spied in the Terrigal Fish and Chippery was one Mamdouh Habib who was returning from his extended tour of Cuba. Mr. Hahib was said to have collected a large array of tourist nick-knacks while staying a number of luxury American resorts. These included some bruising to his buttocks, a small scar near his belly button, some slight burns to his genitalia and a number of gaps in his memory. 

While snacking on a fish finger, Mr. Habib was reported to have told journalists that being home was great but he really missed the late nights, friendly door staff and loud music he had become accustomed to while on holiday.  

While the nation’s attention was fixed on the firm round buttocks of the tennis players at the Australian Open, Bomber Beasley made his big comeback. Not content with the size 12 chairs on the back bench, the Come Back Kid as he likes to be referred to these days, promptly set up shop in Sydney denying rumours that this made it easier for him and Howard to agree on everything. In a statement released by his Sydney office, Mr. Beasley said it was great to be out of WA and the back benches and in total control of the chaos we know as the Australian Labor party. 

That wraps up January but don’t go away, right after this short break I’ll be back with more News of the Year. Coming up after the break, we explore the vagaries of being Michael Jackson, Rodney Adler’s latest business venture and we hear about the Cornelia Rau movie offer. I’m Shane Elson, stay tuned.

Welcome back to the News of the Year, all the news you didn’t hear because they didn’t want to tell you. I’m your host, Shane Elson. Coming up we’ll hear about how the rich, the famous and the well endowed got on in 2005.

We begin, though, with a sad tale. February was not the best month for Michael Jackson. His bowels and his stomach refused to take the stand in his child molestation trial which made it very messy getting him to and from the dock each day. 

A Jackson family spokesperson told waiting reporters that Jackson’s innards would not take the stand alone and that if the judge wanted to interrogate them, the Neverland technique was the preferred method. This involved consuming vast amounts of illicit medication, alcohol and talking dirty to the 1800 numbers in Jackson’s autodial. 

While Whako Jacko was being grilled for his alleged predilection for young flesh of the male variety, Camilla Parker Bowles was gearing up for some hanky panky of her own. 

Ms. Parker Bowles, once described as England’s response to Dame Edna Everage, had been lying low for some time and had denied that her and Charlie were, on average, going for it like mammals, at least twice a week. Ms. Parker Bowles claimed that she was not a “horse faced slapper” trying to get in on the royal bling, and told waiting reporters that her and Charlie’s love was as strong as the US dollar. 

On the domestic scene, a local lad, who once told us that he was a strong as the US dollar, Rodney Adler, the former playboy son of a rich dead man, managed, in some short time, to destroy the family company and end up on the wrong side of the plodders. 

“Steam Ship” Rodney, as he’s known in cell block H, had denied any links to wrong doing and being a dodgy businessman. In a 20 page press release Adler said he was a reformed man and that he had learned the hard way that one plus one did not add up to $20 million and that he was ready to do his bit for the community. 

In more local news and a surprise move by Cornelia Rau’s legal team has reportedly cut a deal with Amanda Vanstone and the Department of Immigration. In what is believed to be a world first, the Minister will play herself in a movie about the illegal detention of Ms. Rau. 

The Minister’s spokesperson said that Amanda would play the role of a svelte young, up and coming Immigration Minister keen to make her mark on the Australian political scene. The plot would revolve around her entanglement with a thin and nasty looking bureaucrat (rumoured to be played by Mike Scrafton) and her attempts to overcome a mental illness. Ms. Rau’s role would that of the hapless maid who roams around the mansion on the hill cleaning up after the randy Vanstone and her lover. 

And turning to the love match of the year, Tony Abbott revealed that he had a love child he didn’t even know about until contacted by an adoption agency. Tony Abbott, the one time priestly candidate, anti-abortionist and committed right winger, was reportedly shocked to find out his love child existed. 

It seems that back in the days before Tony thought god was a great bloke, he smoked, drank and shagged like a trouper. It appears that in one of these little trysts he managed to get a young lady pregnant and she, in disgrace and shame, fled the city for a small country town hoping to bring up her son away from the dope smoking, randy little fella, as she fondly recalls the youthful Abbott. 

When Abbott faced the press at his Canberra office to break the news that the child he didn’t know he had was not his anyway, he told waiting journalists that he had made an arrangement with God to backdate his celibacy prior to marriage so that no claims could be lodged once the Book of Eternal Life was opened on the Day of Judgment. When asked if this was a little disingenuous, Abbott replied that as he had completed one semester in the seminary he was closer to god than anyone else in the room. 

And in sports news for February, little Lleyton Hewitt popped the question to his ever expanding lover, Bec Cartwright. In a touching gesture before thousands of fans, Hewitt dropped to one knee and asked Bec to marry him before the bump led to awkward questions from youngsters. An obviously overjoyed Cartwright responded enthusiastically when asked by reporters if she said yes. She told the media throng that her and Lleyton were made for each other and that she couldn’t wait to tie the knot. A seven figure sum has reportedly been paid for exclusive rights to the wedding day photos. Hewitt’s media manager told reporters it was great day for Australia, for the tennis world and for the flagging ratings of Neighbours. 

And that’s about it for February but don’t go away. After this short break I’ll be back with more of the News you didn’t hear as we wind our way through the year that was. I’m Shane Elson and on community radio this is The News of the Year.

Welcome back to the News of the Year, I’m your host, Shane Elson and I’m glad you’ve joined us. Coming up we muddle through March, mangle May and jump through July as we look back on all the news you didn’t hear.

Melbourne, often referred to as the Sports Capital of the World, went berserk in March as the Grand Prix rolled into town. Accompanied by the usual hangers on and wanky jackets, hairdos and accents, the Grand Prix is described by those on the inside as one big, never ending world touring party. One Prix regular, who told the News of the Year they had never paid for meal in over ten years, described the event as a taxpayer funded fantasy land of fast cars, gorgeous girls and more medications than one could buy in the chemist. 

Celebrating their 11^th year on the job, the Save Albert Park group said that the secret deals, the secret reporting and the secret secrets that were never revealed meant that the Victorian government could not be trusted to host anything. Not even a school raffle. When told that the government was considering selling off schools so the Premier didn’t have to raise funds for them, a Save Albert Park spokesperson told the media that it didn’t surprise them at all. 

In what can only be described as an announcement that will shock the racing world, Victoria’s premier, Steve Kennett, sorry Jeff Bracks, pardon me, Ron Walker. Sorry. We seem to be having a technical hitch. That’s better, Victorian premier, Bernie Ecclestone, said that he would review the continuation of the race in Melbourne once the 25 year contract was finished. He did not respond to comments to clarify his statement. It seems a battle may be looming between the freeloaders and the government over access rights to public land for private functions at the 2006 Prix. 

Speaking of battles, it seems “our boys over there” have been doing it tough with the announcement in March that the golf buggies they have been issued to travel around Iraq doing soldier things in, don’t look “tough enough”. A military spokesperson said that complaints had been coming in from soldiers forced to drive around Baghdad in golf buggies after the government discovered a “black hole” in defence spending. 

The army spokesperson said that soldiers in a modern army should have the most up to date weaponry and transport available. In response to these claims the Minister for Defence, Robert Hill, said he was aware of the concerns but reminded soldiers that things could be worse. He told a media pack that they could be living in Sydney or Melbourne and trying to rely on public transport.  

Staying Iraq for the moment, well possible for a while, we turn to Ross Lightfoot’s little effort and being a light fingers. It seems the rabid right winger and preacher of fire and brimstone for those who break the law, was caught with his hand in the till of mining giant Woodside. When questioned about his Woodside funded tours to the Middle East with pocket loads of cash, Senator Lightfoot said that he was providing some oil for the wheels of commerce and that as a patriotic Australian, he felt is was his duty to do the best thing for business. 

When asked to comment on the Senator’s behaviour, the Prime Minister, John Howard, replied that as far as he was concerned if Senator Lightfoot wanted to gad about Baghdad in a golf buggy that was his business. When asked if it was acceptable for an Australian politician to carry bribes and guns into a foreign country, Mr. Howard said, “Bribes, shmibes. Guns, buns. Mr. Lightfoot is continuing the great Australian tradition of entrepreneurial endeavour that built this great country.” 

And finally for March, 2005 is the annual Invasion Concert held at the White House. Celebrating four years since the president sent in the troops, along with Britain and Australia, the concert celebrates what organisers call the ‘hope’ of the war.  

The concert is a largely private affair with invitations going out to a select group of friends of the White House. The group includes, Halliburton, Lockheed Martin, Dyncorp International, Meyer and Associates and a host of others helping the US administration sort out the Iraqi “problem”. 

Celebrating four years of the occupation also means that the White House and its friends recall the difficulties associated with cross cultural interaction. One organiser told The News of the Year that this year there would be a special focus on cultural tolerance. The Spokesperson said that it was their hope that Iraqis would tolerate them long enough so that the right people could be found to run the country once the US removes its troops. 

And so we leave March to settle back into its rightful place in the calendar.  You’re listening to the News of the Year with Shane Elson on community radio. The only news wrap up that tells it like it should have been told in the first place. I’ll be back after this short break.

You’re listening to the News of the Year. Welcome back, I’m Shane Elson and you’re listening to Community Radio where the news you hear is the news you need. 

It was a busy month in April for the Wiggles. Hot off the back of their latest sell out tour, “Wake Up Jeff Your Shirt’s on Fire”, the Wiggles announced that they were gearing up for their next corporate takeover. Having risen to the top of the Business Review Weekly ‘we earn more than Russell Crowe’ list, the multicoloured performance troupe gave notice to Eddy Maquire that they are considering taking over his empire. 

Speaking on behalf of the group, Ms. Dorothy the Dinosaur, said that while it was true to say the group had mass appeal to certain mothers and their children, it was time for them widen their scope of operations and seek out a more intellectually enabled market. Ms. Dorothy said that Mr. Maquire had obtained a reputation as a deep thinker and a man of substance and that Wiggles Incorporated believed that by acquiring the Maquire Empire they could expand their exposure and grow their business. 

Speaking in her customary high pitched voice and munching on a rose, Ms. Dorothy said that now the quality of the Wiggles work had been recognised it was timely they moved beyond the 1980’s cliché that had sustained them for so long. 

Moving on to international news, it seems those high spirited oldies of England are causing chaos on their powered wheelchairs. It appears the elderly are not backward in hitting the forward switch on their electrified super scooters. In the 12 months to March this year, over 1100 people had been injured in ‘granny rage’ incidents. A Scotland Yard spokesperson said that the incidences were becoming much more common and that it was believed that a group were importing hotted up electric scooters and wheelchairs into the country. 

An investigation by officers carried out in the London suburb of Highgate discovered a covert group called the “Flat out Foggies” was running a high speed, buggy driver training course to teach the mobility challenged how to control the super speedsters. Imported from Europe the scooters were fitted with souped up motors which allowed the drivers to reach speeds in excess of eight kilometres and hour. The group was shut down after two weeks of covert surveillance and the fact that most to the group had forgotten where they met. 

Turning to the United States, jurors have begun to use the Bible in deciding the outcome of their cases. In a first, a US court has allowed the jury to bring their bibles into the court room and the deliberation chambers so they can reach a satisfactory outcome. Reports coming out of the US say new tests of the legal status of many issues will be decided using Old Testament standards. 

In the case of mildew, for instance, any house found to have rising damp will be declared unclean. A priest will have to inspect the property and not until he says it’s clean will the residents be able to return. In the meantime, the “Christ Forever Cheap Stay” hotel chain will provide accommodation at a reduced rate. 

While it is acknowledged that the incidence of leprosy has fallen dramatically, anyone found to display the signs of the disease, will have walk around shouting ‘Unclean, Unclean’ until a priest declares them cured. Of course if they don’t want to shout for themselves they can hire a crier from the “Shout it to the Crowd, Jesus Loves You” town crier franchise nearest to them. 

Bowing down to idols will also be forbidden but it is understood Channel 10 are challenging that one. As to grape gathering, under the news rules in which the Bible will provide the final say, those grapes that have fallen on the round must be left there for the poor. Stealing is outlawed as is eating the fruit from the trees of an invaded land for five years. Homosexuals will be put to death as will, adulterers, those who curse their parents and blasphemers. 

It is expected that the new courts will be overwhelmed in a short period of time as these new crimes are adjudicated. President George Bush has welcomed the new courts and supports the move back to a bible based legal system. However he has rejected as unworkable the biblical principle of Jubilee in which, every 49^th year, all property is returned to its original owners unless an agreed rent price is paid. It is understood Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, also rejects this biblical principle. 

In sport for April, self confessed cricket tragic, John Howard, said that he was all in favour of a pre-dawn game of cricket at the ANZAC memorial at Gallipoli. Mr. Howard denied he was being sacrilegious to the memory of the ANZACS and that they had played cricket whenever the urge took them. Mr. Howard said that as long as he was Prime Minister, if people wanted to play cricket on the most holy of Australian days, then he was supportive of it. Mr. Howard said that cricket was as Australian as ANZAC, Santa Claus and Mince Pies at Christmas. Mr. Howard would not be drawn on whether he thought John Farnham should line up with the Second Eleven. 

That wraps up April as the News of the Year saw it. The News of the Year reports on the events that happened and tells you like it should be told. An irreverent look at the news that made the headlines. Don’t go away, I’ll be right back after this short break with more News of the Year where we’ll hear about the Scott Parkin world tour.; how Peter Costello is still the almost bride and in our science report we’ll find out why dinosaurs are not Adam and Steve. Stay tuned to community radio and the News of the Year.

Welcome back to the News of the Year, I’m Shane Elson and this is the news that you didn’t hear as we catch up to May and find out why dinosaurs are not Adam and Steve and why Scott Parkin isn’t happy. 

But first, we turn to the ongoing debate over whether John Howard will retire to make way for his bridesmaid, Peter Costello. 

Peter Costello, once described as the best business ventriloquist’s doll of the 20^th century, seems resigned to spend the rest of his years playing second fiddle to a man once described as Lazarus with a triple bypass. 

Young Peter has had better years and it seems that the Prime Minister is not yet prepared to let his second best friend take the reigns of the country. Mr. Howard has been described as “toying” with Peter and more negatively, as being a sly old codger with a good ticker. 

Meanwhile Costello rejects any claims that he is growing impatient with the PM and said that he was happy to remain treasurer as long as the Liberal party wanted John Howard as PM. Meanwhile he is rumoured to be seeking a deal with the Wiggles and the former Eddy Maquire conglomerate. 

In a totally unrelated story, a previously unknown Tasmanian woman, supposedly now married to a guy whole talks like the cook out of the Muppets, is reportedly pregnant. A spokesperson from the “Tasmanian Scientists against Inbreeding” said that it was highly unlikely the baby would be born with the distinctive two head syndrome that was common in the Apple Isle. 

However, in another unrelated story it was revealed that the Premier of Victoria, Steve Kennett. Sorry Jeff Bracks. We seem to be experiencing technical problems again. That’s got it. The Premier of Victoria, the Coal Industry, announced that the dirtiest, most polluting power station in the world would be granted an extension of its life. The Premier said in his press release that wind power was a limited resource with no profit margin what-so-ever. 

Meanwhile, the Australian government stepped up its terror campaign in May by arresting and kicking US peace activist Scott Parkin out of the country. Mr. Parkin was visiting Australia on a tourist visa but was reported by ASIO to be visiting a number of terror related sights. An ASIO spokesperson told the waiting media, Mr. Parkin would be deported after being found in Luna Park riding the Big Dipper and buying up dozens of Dagwood Dogs.  

The ASIO spokesperson said that after eating all the Dagwood Dogs Mr. Parkin was seen vomiting up a secret code and leaving the scene. Mr. Parkin’s lawyers said that the detention and expulsion of their client was outrageous and would not stop future ex-hippies from over indulging in childish behaviour. Meanwhile the Spokesperson for Attorney General, Phillip Ruddock, said that the government would do all it could to protect the footpaths of Australia. 

In our science report, we find out that those bothersome dinosaurs are causing headaches for both scientists and religionists. The problem stems from the fact that dinosaurs existed but were never mentioned in the Genesis story. This, according to the religionists proves that evolutionary science was wrong. 

Speaking from a secret location an un-named source within the religionist, anti-evolutionary camp said that if evolution had occurred then how could it explain the rise of human civilisation. 

The spokesperson said that if we looked around us we could find proof of intelligent design. “It’s all around us,” the spokesperson said. “Look at the order we’re bringing to Iraq for instance. If evolution was correct that place would be in a state of chaos and remain so for years.” The spokesperson went on to say that God had a plan for Iraq and that the proof was in how well the corporate interests matched the political interests. “It must have been God’s will.” The spokesperson said. 

That wraps our coverage of May as we look back at the News of the Year, examining the stories that didn’t make it to the top of the news pile in 2005. Coming up after the break, a short review of the top stories in June.

Welcome back to the News of the Year, I’m Shane Elson and you’re tuned to community radio as we look back at the news angles that didn’t get covered in 2005. 

It’s June already and what a month it was. We start with the Douglas Wood rescue story.  

Douglas Wood was reported to have been very brave as he faced his captors and battled for his life. The expat Australian who has lived outside his country of birth for almost as long as John Farnham has been a household name, Wood was a victim of mistaken identity, anonymous sources have revealed. 

It seems Mr. Wood’s captors thought he was someone of importance when they nabbed him, but after being subjected to his incessant whinging, complaining and bitching about how bad the food was, they decided to give him up to authorities. That was the start of the real Douglas Wood story. 

While the bureaucrats negotiated among themselves, Wood’s Iraqi captors begged them to take him from them. It seems that Wood’s boorish personality and loudmouthed attitude along with his constant demands for Mc Donalds and Fries, were driving them crazy. 

After a number of high level meetings between the Australian and US authorities it was agreed that they would negotiate Wood’s release. His captors were offered about $100,000 compensation for their troubles and were asked to drop him off at a destination of their choice. 

Wood was finally found by a passing patrol of troops and whisked away for a medical examination where it was found his brutal treatment had led to weight gain and a mysterious cure for the ailments he was said to have been suffering from when taken into captivity. 

A Wood family spokesperson said his Canberra based brothers were grateful Douglas had been freed and that any further questions should be directed to Channel Ten’s media liaison officer. 

And staying in the region, as public opinion was establishing that Douglas Wood should be returned to the US by the Australian government as quickly as Scott Parkin was, US President George W Bush was talking up the efforts by his administration in Iraq by stating that Iraq was not like Vietnam because the fighting was not taking place in rice paddies but in people’s backyards. 

The President said in a speech at Fort Bragg, that the Iraq war was different because this time civilian companies like Bechtel and Halliburton were running it and that, “The terrorists who attacked us - and the terrorists we face – murder … hate freedom … reject tolerance, and despise all dissent.” 

Meanwhile the Bush administration introduced new laws outlawing gay unions, locked up record numbers of black and Latino youths and passed new laws enabling them to detain citizens indefinitely and without recourse to the courts. At the same time the  Bush Whitehouse was drawing up plans to topple the democratically elected president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. Foreign critics pointed to the lack of irony Bush demonstrated while delivering his speech. 

Coming up after the break we continue our review of the News of the Year as we march headlong into July. Stay tuned after the break.

Welcome back to the News of the Year, an irreverent look at the news that was never spoken during 2005.  

July and August were big months as the focus turned from Iraq and the US to Britain, back to the US and then home to Oz. 

The big news story of the month was of course, the shooting death of Brazilian man, Charles Menezes, who was shot dead by London police while on his way to work. In the wake of the earlier bombings, British police were given “shoot to kill” orders by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair.  

Menezes was shot seven times in the head as he boarded a train to go to work. In a statement, previously unreleased, the head of the London police, Ian Blair, said that his officers were acting on orders and that Menezes should have struggled more as the police restrained him before murdering him. 

In evidence that has emerged since the initial reports of his murder surfaced, it is clear that Menezes didn’t run, stopped to buy a paper and was sitting on the training waiting for it to depart when the officers approached him before shooting him seven times in the head and once in the shoulder. Ian Blair said it should a message to those who were of Middle Eastern appearance, including those from Latin America, that it’s not safe on the streets and perhaps, they should all bugger off to where they came from. 

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, responded to media outrage at his top cop’s comments by stating he had not gone far enough and the Pakies and Greeks should leave too. When Buckingham Palace was notified of Blair’s remarks, a Palace spokesperson said that Prince Phillip would not be going anywhere. 

In the mean time the Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, got off to the cricket with former British PM, John Major. Mr. Howard was asked his opinion of the shooting of Mr. Menezes and responded that, as Australian police had been doing this for years, he saw no big deal in it. 

In response to these comments John Howard found himself being placed on the short list to take out one of the US’s highest honours. So it was that in August the Howard trophy cabinet was expanded to accommodate the Woodrow Wilson Award. While many may remember the former US president fondly, history shows him to be self styled totalitarianist who believed that the US president should have total and unfettered power. 

Mr. Howard told reporters that he admired Wilson almost as much as he was admired by George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Richard Perle and John Aschroft. Mr. Howard said he was honoured to be awarded the prize because it confirmed his closely held belief that only when the men at the top held all the power could real progress be made. 

When asked what Wilson’s greatest achievement was, Prime Minister Howard replied that it was the way the Wilson government has successfully introduced laws allowing citizens to be snooped on and arrested if they spoke about things the government of the day disagreed with.  

Staying in Canberra, the new Senate took up residence in August as they new members underwent the standard indoctrination. The 2006 crop included the neo-conservative, Christian Right Winger Steve Fielding, fellow right winger and Christian, Guy Barnett from Tasmania and Christine Milne from the Tasmanian Greens. 

The first thing on the agenda of the new Senate was getting rid of any laws that prevent inclusive and widespread accumulation of capital, freedom of the press and gay unions. Speaking on the day of the Senator’s inauguration, Prime Minister Howard said that it was not in his nature to be opportunist and rejected any claims that the Senate would do as it was told … by him. 

Values was the theme most new Senators focused on in their maiden speeches. The value of the dollar, the value of the Yen, the value of the Greenback, the value of the Pound. A secondary focus was on the ways in which the new Senators would stand up for values. Australian values. Local values. Long held values. Our values. 

Meanwhile it was revealed that Senator Helen Coonan had to ride a horse to school. She told reporters it was much better to be chauffer driven as it didn’t mess up her hair half as much as the horse riding did. Tilting her head in that sweet, coquettish way she does, she told the media pack that putting on lippy was also much easier these days as someone else now did the steering for her. 

Coming up after the break we’ll hear how things turned out in September and October as we continue our look at the way things should have been in 2005.

I’m Shane Elson, welcome back to the News of the Year. A subversive look at the way the news could have been reported in 2005 but wasn’t.  

September was a busy month for Gunns in Tasmania. It seems that the Auditor General found that almost a quarter of a million hectares of the island had gone missing. Gunns, Tasmania’s largest business and employer of tactics designed to hinder good governance and protestors, has rejected claims that it has sold off thousands of hectares to the Japanese. 

A company spokesperson said that if they had of thought of that earlier they might have tried it. However, the spokesperson said the Auditor General possibly got it wrong when measuring Tasmania this year. The science in measuring the island state is highly technical and very involved.  

The process starts with sampling a number of greenies by dragging them behind log trucks until their arms fall off. The average distance between rest and no arms is calculated and then multiplied by the number of acres clear felled and napalmed by Gunns in the past 12 months. The resulting figure is then used to determine the average distance between trees, divided by the square root of the sum of the log trucks on the road on June 30^th. This result is then rounded up to the nearest whole number and if satisfactory for their share price, is approved by Gunns. 

A spokesperson for the Tasmanian Auditor General said that it was possible the 200,000 hectares reported missing could be hiding somewhere. When asked where, she nominated the Hindu Kush in Northern Pakistan. When asked why she had nominated that region she angrily replied that even Osama bin Laden couldn’t be found there. 

Meanwhile the PM, John Howard, was out on the war path again in September. Not content with winning the war on terror single handily, “our John” as he likes to be called, took on the United Nations. 

The stoush occurred as the PM addressed a summit of world leaders in the UN’s New York headquarters. Mr. Howard told the assembled leaders that the only way to solve the world’s ills were for them to bugger off back to where there came and forget all that lovey-dovey stuff. 

Mr. Howard said that governments should privatise everything and the resulting wealth generated by the sales would alleviate poverty around the globe. When it was pointed out that this was an ideological statement totally unsustainable in reality, Mr. Howard responded by asking for the offending journalist to be removed from the gallery. 

Meanwhile back home former Labor golden boy, Mark Latham released his long awaited diary. The “Latham Diaries” went to number one on the best seller lists as Labor Party hacks brought up copies in an effort to make sure the truth never got out. 

However, their efforts failed to stem the publishing phenomenon from taking root in the public psyche. It seems the “average” Australian was far more equipped to grasp the subtleties of Latham’s humorous take on life in the Labor party. With the accusations flying fast and furious Latham describes the intrigue, back stabbing, slander and lies that are the Australian Labor party. 

Responding to the furore caused by the book, Kim “The Comeback Kid” Beasley, noted that it was disappointing to see the depths to which Latham had sunk. The leader of the Opposition said that he was not happy when he found out all the really good bits had been left out. “What about the secret briefings? What about the free lunches? What about the snogging in the Members Bar?” Said an unhappy Beasley. “He didn’t even mention the cocaine, hash and pot parties we had with the press gallery.” 

And wrapping up sports in September. Geelong lost. 

October got off to a flying start when the US President, George Bush who had nominated Harriet Miers as his appointee to the Supreme Court stumbled over some facts. These facts included her “Christian” faith, her previous job as the Presidents personal legal advisor and the fact that she had “acted as the ultimate gatekeeper for what crosses the desk of the nation's commander in chief.”  

While Bush’s opponents saw the appointment as problematic, Bush defended his long time friend and confidant by saying that, as a deeply religious woman, Harriet fitted, exactly, the mould he wanted to cast for the Supreme Court. However, by the end of the month Ms. Miers had withdrawn her nomination. Many believe that she was not conservative enough for the hardliners in the Bush White House and that she was a woman.