TRANSCRIPT OF THE ADDRESS TO THE NATION
By the Honourable Peter Cundall
(Senior Australian of the Year 2005)
"War!"
It’s a headline I never thought I’d see in my lifetime. I had seen all those cheesy 1950’s and 60’s movies where John Wayne or some other tall, deep voiced bloke won against overwhelming odds. I’d played soldiers and commanders in the paddocks around our house and never, ever, ever surrendered. Death and glory were the only way. But real, flesh and blood war in my backyard? Never could I have imagined it.
But there it was. Big and bold and splashed across my screen. "WAR!"
The text of the speech was headed by a large seal denoting authority and commanding respect. The list of eminent people noted down the right hand side added extra weight to the authority of the contents and so I was compelled to read on.
"At 7:00am Australian Eastern Daylight Savings Time, I was compelled to declare war" the text read. I read on, drawn in by the gravity of the contents. "After long and drawn out negotiations at the highest levels of our diplomatic corps, we have reached the decision that further negotiations would be fruitless."
"In our talks with the leaders of SLORV (Snails Living Off youR Vegetables) it has become obvious to us that their pledge to cease and desist from using their TMD’s (Teeth of Mass Destruction) was a smokescreen and that we must take action. Their continued use of STYK’s (Slimy Trails of YuK) contravenes a raft of UG (United Gardeners) conventions".
"For quite some time now we have been observing their behaviour and, as anyone will know, these creatures are not like us."
"Even the most casual observer can see that they tend to congregate in small areas turning lettuce patches into ghettos in which no other creature will venture. They gather near the tomato plants and whisper their strange and ugly language. Then there is their dress."
"Studies have been done by credible academics in which it has been found that these creatures, and let us remember that that is what they are, sub-human and not at all like us, tend to oppress their females by forcing them to wear a full shell at all times and to always travel in pairs."
"These creatures have an entirely different culture than us and teach their children from a young age to hate us and our gardens. Sources, reliable, credible sources have told us that they have heard from others who were present when these comments were passed on from one snail to another, that the snail parent will inculcate their hatred for our gardens on their children. They use comics, books, magazines, newspapers and all forms of propaganda to teach them how to chew quietly and subversively."
"Their religious practices and theology are at odds with a civilised understanding of the sanctity of life. They spend hours each day meditating as they move from one area to another. Their often-observed tardiness of movement is not due to their inability to sprint across vast distances in order to consume your valuable rhododendrons but rather a display of their piety. The slower they are seen to move by their fellow snails the more holy they are presumed to be."
"And so it is, with a heavy heart, I must inform the Australian public that at 7:00AM AEDST I ordered troops to invade vegetable gardens around the country and wipe from the face of the earth these heinous creatures."
"I would ask for your cooperation in these dark times. Sacrifice will be needed. Our resolve will be tested. After all, fitting a Leopard AS1 MBT though the side gate may require us to remodel your house with a small mortar round to the wall."
"Our young men and women will be put to the test of battle. You, as their families will, no doubt, be worried and concerned about the safety of your loved ones. I too have spent sleepless nights pondering the sacrifice I am asking our nation to make. On consideration of all the facts, I could see no other course. We must defend our plants. Potted or in the ground none are safe from the insurgent attacks."
"Surely you, like me, must lie awake in bed at night pondering the destruction being wrought outside your windows. Indeed, the streets are not safe. One just has to observe the mobs of snails congregating on the footpaths early in the morning as they return from their night time raids on our properties."
"The time for talk is over. Resolute actions and the full force of our military might is the only way we will overcome this enemy of all the freedoms we enjoy. Unless we act now, with force, compassionate force, these creatures will continue to wreak havoc in those comforting and serene spaces we attempt to create for our kith and kin."
"As I mentioned a little earlier, I did not take this decision lightly. There has been a long and protracted negotiation period followed by my direct contact with their leadership, the Snailyban. However, civilised discussion and compromise are impossible with these savages."
"In this, our darkest hour, I ask that you turn to your god and seek succour in your faith. None of us can know the terror that lies ahead nor the deprivations we may have to endure. However, I have faith in the great Australian way. Our mateship, our sense of the fair go and our redoubtable humour will stand us in good stead as we enter into this uncertain future."
"In closing I ask only one thing from you. That is, that you step outside this morning and breath deeply (unless you live down wind of a power station) and look over all you love and ask yourself, "is it worth it?" I’m sure that as you survey the good works you have done you will answer, as Madeleine Albright did, and in the true Australian way, "Yes. We think it is worth it!"
"Good night my fellow Australians. Godspeed to our troops and god bless your gardens."
Signed, Peter Cundall on Behalf of the UG.